Day One Hundred Ninety

It is incredibly difficult to want nothing more than to reach out to a person, even if just to say "I'm thinking of you," and knowing you absolutely cannot.  Why is it that she can't live in the reality of her life?  Why is it that I'm the reality, and not the fantasy any more?

I guess better to be the reality for my own sake, and I know that the reality is what lasts, but GOD DAMN IT it's hard.  I just wish that she could speak a few words from the heart.  I just wish I could know what's going on in there.  But I'm not that guy for her, not yet.  Maybe not ever.

Fuck this hurts.  Completely disengaged, but hanging on.  Why do you ping me and ask how it's going when you don't really want an answer?  Every time you do that, I die a little more, my hope dies a little more.  Engage with me or let me go, this half way thing is killing me.

How do I move past this need? How do I move past her?  Is it possible that there really is a person you're fated to be with, that you just can't ever get out of your heart?  The tarot card "The Wheel of Fortune" is what I drew when asking the question "Tell me about me and her" and every analysis of that I've seen is about fate.  New beginnings. Wheel, circle, everything coming around again.  The wheel can go forward or back, up or down, and you can't control it.  I guess that's the really big lesson I need to learn.  It comes up again and again, can't push the river.  Let it take me where it will.  All I can do is paddle a little to get to one riverbank or the other, or keep myself in the middle of the stream.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Day One Hundred Eighty Five

Someday.

Hope.

Is there someone out there that I can love this much, who will love me this much in return?

New Years.  I used to make a deal out of it.  But now, it's just another year gone, another year closer to the grave.  How much time is going to be wasted between now and then?

Day One Hundred Eighty Two

Couldn't sleep last night, even after taking Melatonin. I'm not sure if the anxiety was over her, or the move, or questioning what I am doing, or finances, or all of the above.

I was pretty shell shocked after our meeting yesterday, so that might be why I'm having doubts about the place I'm moving into- I barely looked at it, didn't really ask a lot of questions... I think I was just stressed about living in a motel and not finding a place soon enough.  I realize that it's still open, I'm not locked in to anything, and I can still find another place if this one doesn't work (come on N, and your sweet sweet condo room!) and right now still afford to move...  And I can put up with anything for a few months.

I'm not sure I can ever ask her to come over, I don't think she would to begin with, and I'd be embarrassed about what I'm willing to accept as my standard of living...  but then again, she wouldn't come over now anyways.

Can I find a job here?  What's going to happen with school?  Am I going to die alone and penniless?  Man I wish sometimes I was a stoner or alcoholic so I could just escape the thoughts in my head.  Or point them in some direction other than in a circle.

Well, coffee is brewed, it's early, and I've got to start thinking about moving in now...

Day One Hundred Eighty One

Face to face for the first time in six months, and she's talking about the weather.  Ouch.

Exhilarated, happy, nervous, anxious before.  Uncomfortable, hurt, confused, and dejected after.

Friends.  We're friends, right?  Isn't that what she said?  Sure we are, she let me care for her dogs, which are precious to her, and look after her house for a week.  Except for the fact that she had to lie to her "boyfriend" about me staying there (he just wouldn't understand, you know), it was all good.

But seriously, would she talk to any of her friends about the weather?

Day One Hundred Seventy Two

I know you're in your happy phase with him right now, and don't want to hear it- at least not from me- but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and just seeing your picture, your eyes, your smile, makes me weak in the knees.  I can't begin to explain it; you've made it clear that I'm not the one, I won't be the one...  but you are.  I wish that I could just give up hope, that I could forget you and just be your online buddy to chat with... I feel like that's the safe, distant relationship you want, and I want to be that for you.  I want to be something, anything, for you.  That's part of my problem

I guess I'm not your type, not established, not appropriate.  Too much thinking and feeling, not enough asshole.  I'm not crazy to want you, nor to wish you wanted me.  I'm not afraid to get hurt.  Hell, I've been hurting for a long time now.  I'm afraid of being irrelevant.  Afraid of being nothing. I think that's why this is so hard, because you can't tell me that I'm anything, because you have a fear of intimacy, and I can tell you everything but need you to tell me what I am for you.  And I don't just mean "friend."  And that's exactly what you can't do.

I don't really know you at all, do I?  I think I know a little, but only what you've let me see, and even that it feels like you want to take back, like it's not safe for me to know.  I want to know you, I want you to want me to know you.

Do you know how much it hurts that you have to lie about me?  I know that you don't want to have the confrontation that would arise, and you said he wouldn't understand that we were just friends.  If I'm your friend, then you should care enough about our relationship to stick up for it.  And what kind of partner is he that he won't be understanding?  Won't trust you? Especially when he's the one who cheated...  I guess that's the answer, isn't it?  Even still, I'd give up everything, anything, for you.

Day One Hundred Sixty Seven

I watched a beautiful sunrise this morning.  Not looking forward to the day, today is the first of three three hour brain dump sessions with my boss.  That old fear is nagging at me again, that this is the moment that they're going to find out that I'm a fraud, I don't know what I'm doing, and it's all going to come crashing down- all the excitement of being worth the long distance work experiment is going to end, all the security...

I realize my therapist is right about control, and I'm really trying to look at this as an opportunity to practice letting go; regardless of the outcome there's nothing I can do except be myself, and what will happen will happen.  I'm hopeful that this will prove to be one of those situations where the realization that those fears are unfounded are reinforced rather than affirming them, I believe this is one of the steps toward higher self-esteem... which is good, because I was also made acutely aware yesterday that I'm still looking for validation from her in the form of some emotional response, and without it I start to beat myself up again.

It shouldn't matter what she thinks or feels about my coming there, but ultimately it does.  After a year of separation, I am still as in love with her as the day we met.  Even after breaking my heart twice, even acknowledging all the problems she has, all the growth that would be necessary for us to have a healthy relationship, I am still totally and completely in love with her, and have been since the day we met.  Maybe that's why I still buy into the fantasy of love stories and happy endings...  A year apart and I feel as strongly now, if not stronger, that I want nothing more than to spend my nights holding her, laughing with her, crying with her, touching her and being touched by her.

Okay, excitement for the future is there, lets work on getting through the next few days...

Day One Hundred Fifty Two

The holidays have always been difficult for me since Iris died, she was the glue that kept our family together.  Even though I think I acted like I hated it at the time (and I probably really did hate it) I think about it now with sadness for the isolation that is the alternative.  Sure, I get to make new traditions, that are entirely of my choosing, and that's great, but it doesn't soften the pain of constantly being reminded by commercials, ads, and casual conversations that this is a time to gather with family and celebrate the community surrounding you.  Pain because I don't feel that connection, that intimacy, with anyone now (not anyone I can be with, anyway.)

Three weeks now until I head Northeast to Chicago and the beginning of the next chapter of my life.  Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  This is probably not the best time of year (for the reasons listed above, and the extreme winters in Chicago) to be doing this, but then again, there's no reason to put it off.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of staying at her house.  I think it's going to bring back some really good feelings of when I first got there, but I'm also going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not there, not in her life, not a part of her girl's reality, I don't really exist there.  It's going to be a challenge.  I look forward to it, but am I fooling myself?  I know I'm going to do stupid shit there, I somehow lose all rational control with her.  I guess that makes sens, I have no sense of self preservation around her.  Why can't I validate myself?  Why do I look for it from her? 

I never told her if hurt my feelings that she doesn't want me to be around for when they leave or when they get back.  If I'm just her friend, why would it make a difference?  And if it makes a difference, does that mean there's something there besides  friendship?  And if there's more than friendship there, why can't she admit it, and talk about it?  Why is she still afraid of me?  Why is it so important to me?

Like she's fond of saying...  oy.