I watched a beautiful sunrise this morning. Not looking forward to the day, today is the first of three three hour brain dump sessions with my boss. That old fear is nagging at me again, that this is the moment that they're going to find out that I'm a fraud, I don't know what I'm doing, and it's all going to come crashing down- all the excitement of being worth the long distance work experiment is going to end, all the security...
I realize my therapist is right about control, and I'm really trying to look at this as an opportunity to practice letting go; regardless of the outcome there's nothing I can do except be myself, and what will happen will happen. I'm hopeful that this will prove to be one of those situations where the realization that those fears are unfounded are reinforced rather than affirming them, I believe this is one of the steps toward higher self-esteem... which is good, because I was also made acutely aware yesterday that I'm still looking for validation from her in the form of some emotional response, and without it I start to beat myself up again.
It shouldn't matter what she thinks or feels about my coming there, but ultimately it does. After a year of separation, I am still as in love with her as the day we met. Even after breaking my heart twice, even acknowledging all the problems she has, all the growth that would be necessary for us to have a healthy relationship, I am still totally and completely in love with her, and have been since the day we met. Maybe that's why I still buy into the fantasy of love stories and happy endings... A year apart and I feel as strongly now, if not stronger, that I want nothing more than to spend my nights holding her, laughing with her, crying with her, touching her and being touched by her.
Okay, excitement for the future is there, lets work on getting through the next few days...
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day One Hundred Fifty Two
The holidays have always been difficult for me since Iris died, she was the glue that kept our family together. Even though I think I acted like I hated it at the time (and I probably really did hate it) I think about it now with sadness for the isolation that is the alternative. Sure, I get to make new traditions, that are entirely of my choosing, and that's great, but it doesn't soften the pain of constantly being reminded by commercials, ads, and casual conversations that this is a time to gather with family and celebrate the community surrounding you. Pain because I don't feel that connection, that intimacy, with anyone now (not anyone I can be with, anyway.)
Three weeks now until I head Northeast to Chicago and the beginning of the next chapter of my life. Exciting and terrifying at the same time. This is probably not the best time of year (for the reasons listed above, and the extreme winters in Chicago) to be doing this, but then again, there's no reason to put it off.
I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of staying at her house. I think it's going to bring back some really good feelings of when I first got there, but I'm also going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not there, not in her life, not a part of her girl's reality, I don't really exist there. It's going to be a challenge. I look forward to it, but am I fooling myself? I know I'm going to do stupid shit there, I somehow lose all rational control with her. I guess that makes sens, I have no sense of self preservation around her. Why can't I validate myself? Why do I look for it from her?
I never told her if hurt my feelings that she doesn't want me to be around for when they leave or when they get back. If I'm just her friend, why would it make a difference? And if it makes a difference, does that mean there's something there besides friendship? And if there's more than friendship there, why can't she admit it, and talk about it? Why is she still afraid of me? Why is it so important to me?
Like she's fond of saying... oy.
Three weeks now until I head Northeast to Chicago and the beginning of the next chapter of my life. Exciting and terrifying at the same time. This is probably not the best time of year (for the reasons listed above, and the extreme winters in Chicago) to be doing this, but then again, there's no reason to put it off.
I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of staying at her house. I think it's going to bring back some really good feelings of when I first got there, but I'm also going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not there, not in her life, not a part of her girl's reality, I don't really exist there. It's going to be a challenge. I look forward to it, but am I fooling myself? I know I'm going to do stupid shit there, I somehow lose all rational control with her. I guess that makes sens, I have no sense of self preservation around her. Why can't I validate myself? Why do I look for it from her?
I never told her if hurt my feelings that she doesn't want me to be around for when they leave or when they get back. If I'm just her friend, why would it make a difference? And if it makes a difference, does that mean there's something there besides friendship? And if there's more than friendship there, why can't she admit it, and talk about it? Why is she still afraid of me? Why is it so important to me?
Like she's fond of saying... oy.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day One Hundred Eight
There is a part of me that begins to wonder as I reinvent myself, what do I really love? What gets me excited? Turned on?
It's been so long, in sexual terms, that I'm not really sure anymore. I know what porn I like looking at on the internet, but is that what I really like in real life? To answer that question is going to require some real research. There comes a point where dirty, nasty behavior is really just dirty and nasty, not really a turn on.
And what I love to do? I have no idea. I know I love to sail. And woodworking. But so much of what was my persona before doesn't feel like me now. I don't watch movies all that much, nor play video games... Many of the behaviors I had before are things that helped me escape from the reality that was my life. I have escaped now, so those things don't hold as much pleasure for me now. So what do I really want to spend my time doing?
It's been so long, in sexual terms, that I'm not really sure anymore. I know what porn I like looking at on the internet, but is that what I really like in real life? To answer that question is going to require some real research. There comes a point where dirty, nasty behavior is really just dirty and nasty, not really a turn on.
And what I love to do? I have no idea. I know I love to sail. And woodworking. But so much of what was my persona before doesn't feel like me now. I don't watch movies all that much, nor play video games... Many of the behaviors I had before are things that helped me escape from the reality that was my life. I have escaped now, so those things don't hold as much pleasure for me now. So what do I really want to spend my time doing?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Day Eighty Seven
It's still hard for me to hear some of the stuff you say about your
feelings for him. Or rather, it feels like you have feelings for every
man in your life except me. I know it really boils down to wanting you
to
feel for me something that you don't, and can't since I'm not actually
physically in your life- I'm just some text on the screen that you can
delete, close, or log off and walk away. I feel like I'm not real. To
be honest with myself, you may never feel what I thought you did,
really.
I have no control over anyone or anything except myself, and I am responsible for my own feelings. I think that's one of the lessons I really need to learn. When it comes to relationships, I need to make sure that I keep control of myself and not relinquish it to someone else- not give someone else the power to shape what I feel.
Yeah, good luck with that.
I have no control over anyone or anything except myself, and I am responsible for my own feelings. I think that's one of the lessons I really need to learn. When it comes to relationships, I need to make sure that I keep control of myself and not relinquish it to someone else- not give someone else the power to shape what I feel.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Day Eighty Four
I didn't live up to the dream. That hope, that "what if..." you were carrying for so long, that's gone because of me. Such a disappointment. I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Day Seventy Eight
It strikes me as funny that even though the title of this blog is One Day at a Time, I realize that the way I operate is more of a "I want my instant gratification, and I want it now!" mentality. I want to push to make things happen right now, I don't want to wait. I don't want things to take time.
But as I was pondering something my therapist said, it hit me that things take time to develop, and that's okay. Now, I know the part of me that says "duh" is the part of me that usually kicks me in the nuts while I'm down, so I can ignore it for now. That realization, the recognition that things taking time is okay, is a feeling that I haven't had in a very long time, and it's kind of nice. I've been struggling with the idea that life has passed me by and I don't have time to wait for things to develop, but that's not really true. I have all the time in the world, I'm still young, and even if I'm not, time is time, you can't make it go any faster or slower. Like pushing the river, either upstream or down, all you really wind up doing is splashing about and getting yourself all wet. Let the river flow, and float with it. You can control how you move about in the current, from this side to that, and it takes a lot less effort and makes for a more relaxing trip.
Float on, brother!
But as I was pondering something my therapist said, it hit me that things take time to develop, and that's okay. Now, I know the part of me that says "duh" is the part of me that usually kicks me in the nuts while I'm down, so I can ignore it for now. That realization, the recognition that things taking time is okay, is a feeling that I haven't had in a very long time, and it's kind of nice. I've been struggling with the idea that life has passed me by and I don't have time to wait for things to develop, but that's not really true. I have all the time in the world, I'm still young, and even if I'm not, time is time, you can't make it go any faster or slower. Like pushing the river, either upstream or down, all you really wind up doing is splashing about and getting yourself all wet. Let the river flow, and float with it. You can control how you move about in the current, from this side to that, and it takes a lot less effort and makes for a more relaxing trip.
Float on, brother!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day Seventy Five
Wow, two whole months gone since I last wrote, that's discouraging (for the lack of consistent writing) and exciting (for the day drawing closer to my big transition.)
Speaking of transitions, this one has me both excited and nervous... I'm confident that everything is going to be awesome and work out great, but that little voice in the background is totally freaking out at the possibility that it won't. I realized it when everyone was pissing me off by raising doubts about my plans- it was because the fear was telling me they might be right, and I was reacting out of emotion, and that part of me that thinks I'm not good enough, rather than that part that knows I'm more than capable.
197 days to go!
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