Sunday, July 17, 2011
Day Seventeen
There is almost nothing worse than being given a teaser, and then having to wait for the full story. Not like movies, that's just marketing. When someone just gives you like 3 or 4 words about what's going on in their life, saying talk soon, and then not hearing from them for more than a week. Grrr!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Day Fifteen
In choosing security over growth, we all outrage the soul, and the soul, outraged, manifests in symptoms - depression, anxiety disorders, envy and jealousy of others, dependencies, and many more.
~James Hollis
Yeah, I can relate to that.
~James Hollis
Yeah, I can relate to that.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day Thirteen
Baker's Dozen. Good, a quick post before jumping in the hot tub. I need to soak before bed, been having a hell of a time with sleep these days. And I don't ever remember my dreams, I have to try to remember to tell myself to remember as I'm drifting off to sleep. Problem is, my head is already jumping from place to place and has a hard enough time just letting go of everything. Maybe I need to turn it into a mantra.
Got a super cool t-shirt in the mail today from KP, from my hometown. Honestly, it makes me want to get to where I'm going even sooner. Oh well, responsible before emotional, that's one of the many things I'm working on. Bills gotta get pee ae eye dee.
So she's back with her ex. I have to figure out how I feel about that. One the one hand, I'm glad because I know it can't last, and I stand a better chance competing against him, even if it's six months from now, than against someone who might be good for her. And he's not, he's a scumbag. On the other hand, he's a scumbag and she knows it, and she's still going back to him. I'm afraid it's going to get her killed, and I'm also afraid that if she's making those kinds of choices, then she's choosing not to be mentally healthy. And that's not good. Maybe I'll learn more in the hot tub.
Got a super cool t-shirt in the mail today from KP, from my hometown. Honestly, it makes me want to get to where I'm going even sooner. Oh well, responsible before emotional, that's one of the many things I'm working on. Bills gotta get pee ae eye dee.
So she's back with her ex. I have to figure out how I feel about that. One the one hand, I'm glad because I know it can't last, and I stand a better chance competing against him, even if it's six months from now, than against someone who might be good for her. And he's not, he's a scumbag. On the other hand, he's a scumbag and she knows it, and she's still going back to him. I'm afraid it's going to get her killed, and I'm also afraid that if she's making those kinds of choices, then she's choosing not to be mentally healthy. And that's not good. Maybe I'll learn more in the hot tub.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Day Twelve
My Live With the Thrill Kill Kult. Great electronica, haven't listened to them in a while. That's one of the great things about having so much music, it can go through long cycles of style.
Okay, so I've been dealing with relationships and love and intimacy and self image and chemistry. What is chemistry? Is it more than the phermones and enzymes and whatever the scientific crap involved is? I don't have an answer. Hell, I've been surviving off internet porn for so long I don't even know what is real for me anymore and what's just a product of someone or some image telling me what I should want, what sex is like. I don't think I'm much interested in sex as much as intimacy. Knowing myself, and showing myself, to someone with complete freedom and abandon. But that's not what generates chemistry. I believe it's part of it, but is it just that she was such an influence on me so early in the development of my sexual identity and now her "type" is the only thing that catches my eye and makes me want to initiate that intimacy?
Okay, so I've been dealing with relationships and love and intimacy and self image and chemistry. What is chemistry? Is it more than the phermones and enzymes and whatever the scientific crap involved is? I don't have an answer. Hell, I've been surviving off internet porn for so long I don't even know what is real for me anymore and what's just a product of someone or some image telling me what I should want, what sex is like. I don't think I'm much interested in sex as much as intimacy. Knowing myself, and showing myself, to someone with complete freedom and abandon. But that's not what generates chemistry. I believe it's part of it, but is it just that she was such an influence on me so early in the development of my sexual identity and now her "type" is the only thing that catches my eye and makes me want to initiate that intimacy?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Day Eleven
Have to remember to do a daily "before bed" post so I can stop missing days.
Okay, so since I've decided that anyone reading this blog is pretty unlikely, I guess it's just going to be my online diary. And if anyone does decided to read it, well, then I guess they'll get to know the real me.
I realized yesterday while talking with KP that part of the reason I want so much for her to love me is that I think she's kind of out of my league. Successful business woman, gorgeous, great kids, well off, that somehow if she thinks I'm worth loving, then she brings me up to her level. But that's not really the way it works, self worth is just that; it has to come from within, from the self. No one can do that for you. If you give someone else that power, you by definition give them the power to take it away. No going to do that any more, did it for far too long and it's just not worth it. If I want to be at her level, then I have believe I can be, or that I am already. Yeah, that sounds like a much better way to go.
Thanks for helping bring that out of me KP, you're a true friend.
Okay, so since I've decided that anyone reading this blog is pretty unlikely, I guess it's just going to be my online diary. And if anyone does decided to read it, well, then I guess they'll get to know the real me.
I realized yesterday while talking with KP that part of the reason I want so much for her to love me is that I think she's kind of out of my league. Successful business woman, gorgeous, great kids, well off, that somehow if she thinks I'm worth loving, then she brings me up to her level. But that's not really the way it works, self worth is just that; it has to come from within, from the self. No one can do that for you. If you give someone else that power, you by definition give them the power to take it away. No going to do that any more, did it for far too long and it's just not worth it. If I want to be at her level, then I have believe I can be, or that I am already. Yeah, that sounds like a much better way to go.
Thanks for helping bring that out of me KP, you're a true friend.
Day Ten
Well, I had the best conversation, for about 3 hrs, with a very dear friend whom I haven't seen for over 6 years. Funny how time gets away from you. So feel pretty good.
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