It is incredibly difficult to want nothing more than to reach out to a person, even if just to say "I'm thinking of you," and knowing you absolutely cannot. Why is it that she can't live in the reality of her life? Why is it that I'm the reality, and not the fantasy any more?
I guess better to be the reality for my own sake, and I know that the reality is what lasts, but GOD DAMN IT it's hard. I just wish that she could speak a few words from the heart. I just wish I could know what's going on in there. But I'm not that guy for her, not yet. Maybe not ever.
Fuck this hurts. Completely disengaged, but hanging on. Why do you ping me and ask how it's going when you don't really want an answer? Every time you do that, I die a little more, my hope dies a little more. Engage with me or let me go, this half way thing is killing me.
How do I move past this need? How do I move past her? Is it possible that there really is a person you're fated to be with, that you just can't ever get out of your heart? The tarot card "The Wheel of Fortune" is what I drew when asking the question "Tell me about me and her" and every analysis of that I've seen is about fate. New beginnings. Wheel, circle, everything coming around again. The wheel can go forward or back, up or down, and you can't control it. I guess that's the really big lesson I need to learn. It comes up again and again, can't push the river. Let it take me where it will. All I can do is paddle a little to get to one riverbank or the other, or keep myself in the middle of the stream. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...
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