Day Eighty Seven

It's still hard for me to hear some of the stuff you say about your feelings for him.  Or rather, it feels like you have feelings for every man in your life except me.  I know it really boils down to wanting you to feel for me something that you don't, and can't since I'm not actually physically in your life- I'm just some text on the screen that you can delete, close, or log off and walk away.  I feel like I'm not real.  To be honest with myself, you may never feel what I thought you did, really.

I have no control over anyone or anything except myself, and I am responsible for my own feelings.  I think that's one of the lessons I really need to learn.  When it comes to relationships, I need to make sure that I keep control of myself and not relinquish it to someone else- not give someone else the power to shape what I feel.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Day Eighty Four

I didn't live up to the dream.  That hope, that "what if..." you were carrying for so long, that's gone because of me.  Such a disappointment.  I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Day Seventy Eight

It strikes me as funny that even though the title of this blog is One Day at a Time, I realize that the way I operate is more of a "I want my instant gratification, and I want it now!" mentality.  I want to push to make things happen right now, I don't want to wait.  I don't want things to take time.

But as I was pondering something my therapist said, it hit me that things take time to develop, and that's okay.   Now, I know the part of me that says "duh" is the part of me that usually kicks me in the nuts while I'm down, so I can ignore it for now.  That realization, the recognition that things taking time is okay, is a feeling that I haven't had in a very long time, and it's kind of nice.  I've been struggling with the idea that life has passed me by and I don't have time to wait for things to develop, but that's not really true.  I have all the time in the world, I'm still young, and even if I'm not, time is time, you can't make it go any faster or slower.  Like pushing the river, either upstream or down, all you really wind up doing is splashing about and getting yourself all wet.  Let the river flow, and float with it.  You can control how you move about in the current, from this side to that, and it takes a lot less effort and makes for a more relaxing trip.

Float on, brother!

Day Seventy Five

Wow, two whole months gone since I last wrote, that's discouraging (for the lack of consistent writing) and exciting (for the day drawing closer to my big transition.)

Speaking of transitions, this one has me both excited and nervous...  I'm confident that everything is going to be awesome and work out great, but that little voice in the background is totally freaking out at the possibility that it won't.  I realized it when everyone was pissing me off by raising doubts about my plans-  it was because the fear was telling me they might be right, and I was reacting out of emotion, and that part of me that thinks I'm not good enough, rather than that part that knows I'm more than capable.

197 days to go!