Day One Hundred Fifty Two

The holidays have always been difficult for me since Iris died, she was the glue that kept our family together.  Even though I think I acted like I hated it at the time (and I probably really did hate it) I think about it now with sadness for the isolation that is the alternative.  Sure, I get to make new traditions, that are entirely of my choosing, and that's great, but it doesn't soften the pain of constantly being reminded by commercials, ads, and casual conversations that this is a time to gather with family and celebrate the community surrounding you.  Pain because I don't feel that connection, that intimacy, with anyone now (not anyone I can be with, anyway.)

Three weeks now until I head Northeast to Chicago and the beginning of the next chapter of my life.  Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  This is probably not the best time of year (for the reasons listed above, and the extreme winters in Chicago) to be doing this, but then again, there's no reason to put it off.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of staying at her house.  I think it's going to bring back some really good feelings of when I first got there, but I'm also going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not there, not in her life, not a part of her girl's reality, I don't really exist there.  It's going to be a challenge.  I look forward to it, but am I fooling myself?  I know I'm going to do stupid shit there, I somehow lose all rational control with her.  I guess that makes sens, I have no sense of self preservation around her.  Why can't I validate myself?  Why do I look for it from her? 

I never told her if hurt my feelings that she doesn't want me to be around for when they leave or when they get back.  If I'm just her friend, why would it make a difference?  And if it makes a difference, does that mean there's something there besides  friendship?  And if there's more than friendship there, why can't she admit it, and talk about it?  Why is she still afraid of me?  Why is it so important to me?

Like she's fond of saying...  oy.