I watched a beautiful sunrise this morning. Not looking forward to the day, today is the first of three three hour brain dump sessions with my boss. That old fear is nagging at me again, that this is the moment that they're going to find out that I'm a fraud, I don't know what I'm doing, and it's all going to come crashing down- all the excitement of being worth the long distance work experiment is going to end, all the security...
I realize my therapist is right about control, and I'm really trying to look at this as an opportunity to practice letting go; regardless of the outcome there's nothing I can do except be myself, and what will happen will happen. I'm hopeful that this will prove to be one of those situations where the realization that those fears are unfounded are reinforced rather than affirming them, I believe this is one of the steps toward higher self-esteem... which is good, because I was also made acutely aware yesterday that I'm still looking for validation from her in the form of some emotional response, and without it I start to beat myself up again.
It shouldn't matter what she thinks or feels about my coming there, but ultimately it does. After a year of separation, I am still as in love with her as the day we met. Even after breaking my heart twice, even acknowledging all the problems she has, all the growth that would be necessary for us to have a healthy relationship, I am still totally and completely in love with her, and have been since the day we met. Maybe that's why I still buy into the fantasy of love stories and happy endings... A year apart and I feel as strongly now, if not stronger, that I want nothing more than to spend my nights holding her, laughing with her, crying with her, touching her and being touched by her.
Okay, excitement for the future is there, lets work on getting through the next few days...
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