Day One Hundred Seventy Two

I know you're in your happy phase with him right now, and don't want to hear it- at least not from me- but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and just seeing your picture, your eyes, your smile, makes me weak in the knees.  I can't begin to explain it; you've made it clear that I'm not the one, I won't be the one...  but you are.  I wish that I could just give up hope, that I could forget you and just be your online buddy to chat with... I feel like that's the safe, distant relationship you want, and I want to be that for you.  I want to be something, anything, for you.  That's part of my problem

I guess I'm not your type, not established, not appropriate.  Too much thinking and feeling, not enough asshole.  I'm not crazy to want you, nor to wish you wanted me.  I'm not afraid to get hurt.  Hell, I've been hurting for a long time now.  I'm afraid of being irrelevant.  Afraid of being nothing. I think that's why this is so hard, because you can't tell me that I'm anything, because you have a fear of intimacy, and I can tell you everything but need you to tell me what I am for you.  And I don't just mean "friend."  And that's exactly what you can't do.

I don't really know you at all, do I?  I think I know a little, but only what you've let me see, and even that it feels like you want to take back, like it's not safe for me to know.  I want to know you, I want you to want me to know you.

Do you know how much it hurts that you have to lie about me?  I know that you don't want to have the confrontation that would arise, and you said he wouldn't understand that we were just friends.  If I'm your friend, then you should care enough about our relationship to stick up for it.  And what kind of partner is he that he won't be understanding?  Won't trust you? Especially when he's the one who cheated...  I guess that's the answer, isn't it?  Even still, I'd give up everything, anything, for you.