Day One Hundred Eighty Five

Someday.

Hope.

Is there someone out there that I can love this much, who will love me this much in return?

New Years.  I used to make a deal out of it.  But now, it's just another year gone, another year closer to the grave.  How much time is going to be wasted between now and then?

Day One Hundred Eighty Two

Couldn't sleep last night, even after taking Melatonin. I'm not sure if the anxiety was over her, or the move, or questioning what I am doing, or finances, or all of the above.

I was pretty shell shocked after our meeting yesterday, so that might be why I'm having doubts about the place I'm moving into- I barely looked at it, didn't really ask a lot of questions... I think I was just stressed about living in a motel and not finding a place soon enough.  I realize that it's still open, I'm not locked in to anything, and I can still find another place if this one doesn't work (come on N, and your sweet sweet condo room!) and right now still afford to move...  And I can put up with anything for a few months.

I'm not sure I can ever ask her to come over, I don't think she would to begin with, and I'd be embarrassed about what I'm willing to accept as my standard of living...  but then again, she wouldn't come over now anyways.

Can I find a job here?  What's going to happen with school?  Am I going to die alone and penniless?  Man I wish sometimes I was a stoner or alcoholic so I could just escape the thoughts in my head.  Or point them in some direction other than in a circle.

Well, coffee is brewed, it's early, and I've got to start thinking about moving in now...

Day One Hundred Eighty One

Face to face for the first time in six months, and she's talking about the weather.  Ouch.

Exhilarated, happy, nervous, anxious before.  Uncomfortable, hurt, confused, and dejected after.

Friends.  We're friends, right?  Isn't that what she said?  Sure we are, she let me care for her dogs, which are precious to her, and look after her house for a week.  Except for the fact that she had to lie to her "boyfriend" about me staying there (he just wouldn't understand, you know), it was all good.

But seriously, would she talk to any of her friends about the weather?

Day One Hundred Seventy Two

I know you're in your happy phase with him right now, and don't want to hear it- at least not from me- but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and just seeing your picture, your eyes, your smile, makes me weak in the knees.  I can't begin to explain it; you've made it clear that I'm not the one, I won't be the one...  but you are.  I wish that I could just give up hope, that I could forget you and just be your online buddy to chat with... I feel like that's the safe, distant relationship you want, and I want to be that for you.  I want to be something, anything, for you.  That's part of my problem

I guess I'm not your type, not established, not appropriate.  Too much thinking and feeling, not enough asshole.  I'm not crazy to want you, nor to wish you wanted me.  I'm not afraid to get hurt.  Hell, I've been hurting for a long time now.  I'm afraid of being irrelevant.  Afraid of being nothing. I think that's why this is so hard, because you can't tell me that I'm anything, because you have a fear of intimacy, and I can tell you everything but need you to tell me what I am for you.  And I don't just mean "friend."  And that's exactly what you can't do.

I don't really know you at all, do I?  I think I know a little, but only what you've let me see, and even that it feels like you want to take back, like it's not safe for me to know.  I want to know you, I want you to want me to know you.

Do you know how much it hurts that you have to lie about me?  I know that you don't want to have the confrontation that would arise, and you said he wouldn't understand that we were just friends.  If I'm your friend, then you should care enough about our relationship to stick up for it.  And what kind of partner is he that he won't be understanding?  Won't trust you? Especially when he's the one who cheated...  I guess that's the answer, isn't it?  Even still, I'd give up everything, anything, for you.

Day One Hundred Sixty Seven

I watched a beautiful sunrise this morning.  Not looking forward to the day, today is the first of three three hour brain dump sessions with my boss.  That old fear is nagging at me again, that this is the moment that they're going to find out that I'm a fraud, I don't know what I'm doing, and it's all going to come crashing down- all the excitement of being worth the long distance work experiment is going to end, all the security...

I realize my therapist is right about control, and I'm really trying to look at this as an opportunity to practice letting go; regardless of the outcome there's nothing I can do except be myself, and what will happen will happen.  I'm hopeful that this will prove to be one of those situations where the realization that those fears are unfounded are reinforced rather than affirming them, I believe this is one of the steps toward higher self-esteem... which is good, because I was also made acutely aware yesterday that I'm still looking for validation from her in the form of some emotional response, and without it I start to beat myself up again.

It shouldn't matter what she thinks or feels about my coming there, but ultimately it does.  After a year of separation, I am still as in love with her as the day we met.  Even after breaking my heart twice, even acknowledging all the problems she has, all the growth that would be necessary for us to have a healthy relationship, I am still totally and completely in love with her, and have been since the day we met.  Maybe that's why I still buy into the fantasy of love stories and happy endings...  A year apart and I feel as strongly now, if not stronger, that I want nothing more than to spend my nights holding her, laughing with her, crying with her, touching her and being touched by her.

Okay, excitement for the future is there, lets work on getting through the next few days...