Day One Hundred Eight

There is a part of me that begins to wonder as I reinvent myself, what do I really love?  What gets me excited?  Turned on?

It's been so long, in sexual terms, that I'm not really sure anymore.  I know what porn I like looking at on the internet, but is that what I really like in real life?  To answer that question is going to require some real research.  There comes a point where dirty, nasty behavior is really just dirty and nasty, not really a turn on.

And what I love to do? I have no idea.  I know I love to sail. And woodworking.  But so much of what was my persona before doesn't feel like me now.  I don't watch movies all that much, nor play video games...  Many of the behaviors I had before are things that helped me escape from the reality that was my life.  I have escaped now, so those things don't hold as much pleasure for me now.  So what do I really want to spend my time doing? 

Day Eighty Seven

It's still hard for me to hear some of the stuff you say about your feelings for him.  Or rather, it feels like you have feelings for every man in your life except me.  I know it really boils down to wanting you to feel for me something that you don't, and can't since I'm not actually physically in your life- I'm just some text on the screen that you can delete, close, or log off and walk away.  I feel like I'm not real.  To be honest with myself, you may never feel what I thought you did, really.

I have no control over anyone or anything except myself, and I am responsible for my own feelings.  I think that's one of the lessons I really need to learn.  When it comes to relationships, I need to make sure that I keep control of myself and not relinquish it to someone else- not give someone else the power to shape what I feel.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Day Eighty Four

I didn't live up to the dream.  That hope, that "what if..." you were carrying for so long, that's gone because of me.  Such a disappointment.  I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Day Seventy Eight

It strikes me as funny that even though the title of this blog is One Day at a Time, I realize that the way I operate is more of a "I want my instant gratification, and I want it now!" mentality.  I want to push to make things happen right now, I don't want to wait.  I don't want things to take time.

But as I was pondering something my therapist said, it hit me that things take time to develop, and that's okay.   Now, I know the part of me that says "duh" is the part of me that usually kicks me in the nuts while I'm down, so I can ignore it for now.  That realization, the recognition that things taking time is okay, is a feeling that I haven't had in a very long time, and it's kind of nice.  I've been struggling with the idea that life has passed me by and I don't have time to wait for things to develop, but that's not really true.  I have all the time in the world, I'm still young, and even if I'm not, time is time, you can't make it go any faster or slower.  Like pushing the river, either upstream or down, all you really wind up doing is splashing about and getting yourself all wet.  Let the river flow, and float with it.  You can control how you move about in the current, from this side to that, and it takes a lot less effort and makes for a more relaxing trip.

Float on, brother!

Day Seventy Five

Wow, two whole months gone since I last wrote, that's discouraging (for the lack of consistent writing) and exciting (for the day drawing closer to my big transition.)

Speaking of transitions, this one has me both excited and nervous...  I'm confident that everything is going to be awesome and work out great, but that little voice in the background is totally freaking out at the possibility that it won't.  I realized it when everyone was pissing me off by raising doubts about my plans-  it was because the fear was telling me they might be right, and I was reacting out of emotion, and that part of me that thinks I'm not good enough, rather than that part that knows I'm more than capable.

197 days to go!

Day Seventeen

There is almost nothing worse than being given a teaser, and then having to wait for the full story.  Not like movies, that's just marketing.  When someone just gives you like 3 or 4 words about what's going on in their life, saying talk soon, and then not hearing from them for more than a week.  Grrr!

Day Fifteen

In choosing security over growth, we all outrage the soul, and the soul, outraged, manifests in symptoms - depression, anxiety disorders, envy and jealousy of others, dependencies, and many more.
~James Hollis

Yeah, I can relate to that.