Day One Hundred Eighty Five

Someday.

Hope.

Is there someone out there that I can love this much, who will love me this much in return?

New Years.  I used to make a deal out of it.  But now, it's just another year gone, another year closer to the grave.  How much time is going to be wasted between now and then?

Day One Hundred Eighty Two

Couldn't sleep last night, even after taking Melatonin. I'm not sure if the anxiety was over her, or the move, or questioning what I am doing, or finances, or all of the above.

I was pretty shell shocked after our meeting yesterday, so that might be why I'm having doubts about the place I'm moving into- I barely looked at it, didn't really ask a lot of questions... I think I was just stressed about living in a motel and not finding a place soon enough.  I realize that it's still open, I'm not locked in to anything, and I can still find another place if this one doesn't work (come on N, and your sweet sweet condo room!) and right now still afford to move...  And I can put up with anything for a few months.

I'm not sure I can ever ask her to come over, I don't think she would to begin with, and I'd be embarrassed about what I'm willing to accept as my standard of living...  but then again, she wouldn't come over now anyways.

Can I find a job here?  What's going to happen with school?  Am I going to die alone and penniless?  Man I wish sometimes I was a stoner or alcoholic so I could just escape the thoughts in my head.  Or point them in some direction other than in a circle.

Well, coffee is brewed, it's early, and I've got to start thinking about moving in now...

Day One Hundred Eighty One

Face to face for the first time in six months, and she's talking about the weather.  Ouch.

Exhilarated, happy, nervous, anxious before.  Uncomfortable, hurt, confused, and dejected after.

Friends.  We're friends, right?  Isn't that what she said?  Sure we are, she let me care for her dogs, which are precious to her, and look after her house for a week.  Except for the fact that she had to lie to her "boyfriend" about me staying there (he just wouldn't understand, you know), it was all good.

But seriously, would she talk to any of her friends about the weather?

Day One Hundred Seventy Two

I know you're in your happy phase with him right now, and don't want to hear it- at least not from me- but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and just seeing your picture, your eyes, your smile, makes me weak in the knees.  I can't begin to explain it; you've made it clear that I'm not the one, I won't be the one...  but you are.  I wish that I could just give up hope, that I could forget you and just be your online buddy to chat with... I feel like that's the safe, distant relationship you want, and I want to be that for you.  I want to be something, anything, for you.  That's part of my problem

I guess I'm not your type, not established, not appropriate.  Too much thinking and feeling, not enough asshole.  I'm not crazy to want you, nor to wish you wanted me.  I'm not afraid to get hurt.  Hell, I've been hurting for a long time now.  I'm afraid of being irrelevant.  Afraid of being nothing. I think that's why this is so hard, because you can't tell me that I'm anything, because you have a fear of intimacy, and I can tell you everything but need you to tell me what I am for you.  And I don't just mean "friend."  And that's exactly what you can't do.

I don't really know you at all, do I?  I think I know a little, but only what you've let me see, and even that it feels like you want to take back, like it's not safe for me to know.  I want to know you, I want you to want me to know you.

Do you know how much it hurts that you have to lie about me?  I know that you don't want to have the confrontation that would arise, and you said he wouldn't understand that we were just friends.  If I'm your friend, then you should care enough about our relationship to stick up for it.  And what kind of partner is he that he won't be understanding?  Won't trust you? Especially when he's the one who cheated...  I guess that's the answer, isn't it?  Even still, I'd give up everything, anything, for you.

Day One Hundred Sixty Seven

I watched a beautiful sunrise this morning.  Not looking forward to the day, today is the first of three three hour brain dump sessions with my boss.  That old fear is nagging at me again, that this is the moment that they're going to find out that I'm a fraud, I don't know what I'm doing, and it's all going to come crashing down- all the excitement of being worth the long distance work experiment is going to end, all the security...

I realize my therapist is right about control, and I'm really trying to look at this as an opportunity to practice letting go; regardless of the outcome there's nothing I can do except be myself, and what will happen will happen.  I'm hopeful that this will prove to be one of those situations where the realization that those fears are unfounded are reinforced rather than affirming them, I believe this is one of the steps toward higher self-esteem... which is good, because I was also made acutely aware yesterday that I'm still looking for validation from her in the form of some emotional response, and without it I start to beat myself up again.

It shouldn't matter what she thinks or feels about my coming there, but ultimately it does.  After a year of separation, I am still as in love with her as the day we met.  Even after breaking my heart twice, even acknowledging all the problems she has, all the growth that would be necessary for us to have a healthy relationship, I am still totally and completely in love with her, and have been since the day we met.  Maybe that's why I still buy into the fantasy of love stories and happy endings...  A year apart and I feel as strongly now, if not stronger, that I want nothing more than to spend my nights holding her, laughing with her, crying with her, touching her and being touched by her.

Okay, excitement for the future is there, lets work on getting through the next few days...

Day One Hundred Fifty Two

The holidays have always been difficult for me since Iris died, she was the glue that kept our family together.  Even though I think I acted like I hated it at the time (and I probably really did hate it) I think about it now with sadness for the isolation that is the alternative.  Sure, I get to make new traditions, that are entirely of my choosing, and that's great, but it doesn't soften the pain of constantly being reminded by commercials, ads, and casual conversations that this is a time to gather with family and celebrate the community surrounding you.  Pain because I don't feel that connection, that intimacy, with anyone now (not anyone I can be with, anyway.)

Three weeks now until I head Northeast to Chicago and the beginning of the next chapter of my life.  Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  This is probably not the best time of year (for the reasons listed above, and the extreme winters in Chicago) to be doing this, but then again, there's no reason to put it off.

I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of staying at her house.  I think it's going to bring back some really good feelings of when I first got there, but I'm also going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not there, not in her life, not a part of her girl's reality, I don't really exist there.  It's going to be a challenge.  I look forward to it, but am I fooling myself?  I know I'm going to do stupid shit there, I somehow lose all rational control with her.  I guess that makes sens, I have no sense of self preservation around her.  Why can't I validate myself?  Why do I look for it from her? 

I never told her if hurt my feelings that she doesn't want me to be around for when they leave or when they get back.  If I'm just her friend, why would it make a difference?  And if it makes a difference, does that mean there's something there besides  friendship?  And if there's more than friendship there, why can't she admit it, and talk about it?  Why is she still afraid of me?  Why is it so important to me?

Like she's fond of saying...  oy.

Day One Hundred Eight

There is a part of me that begins to wonder as I reinvent myself, what do I really love?  What gets me excited?  Turned on?

It's been so long, in sexual terms, that I'm not really sure anymore.  I know what porn I like looking at on the internet, but is that what I really like in real life?  To answer that question is going to require some real research.  There comes a point where dirty, nasty behavior is really just dirty and nasty, not really a turn on.

And what I love to do? I have no idea.  I know I love to sail. And woodworking.  But so much of what was my persona before doesn't feel like me now.  I don't watch movies all that much, nor play video games...  Many of the behaviors I had before are things that helped me escape from the reality that was my life.  I have escaped now, so those things don't hold as much pleasure for me now.  So what do I really want to spend my time doing? 

Day Eighty Seven

It's still hard for me to hear some of the stuff you say about your feelings for him.  Or rather, it feels like you have feelings for every man in your life except me.  I know it really boils down to wanting you to feel for me something that you don't, and can't since I'm not actually physically in your life- I'm just some text on the screen that you can delete, close, or log off and walk away.  I feel like I'm not real.  To be honest with myself, you may never feel what I thought you did, really.

I have no control over anyone or anything except myself, and I am responsible for my own feelings.  I think that's one of the lessons I really need to learn.  When it comes to relationships, I need to make sure that I keep control of myself and not relinquish it to someone else- not give someone else the power to shape what I feel.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Day Eighty Four

I didn't live up to the dream.  That hope, that "what if..." you were carrying for so long, that's gone because of me.  Such a disappointment.  I'm sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

Day Seventy Eight

It strikes me as funny that even though the title of this blog is One Day at a Time, I realize that the way I operate is more of a "I want my instant gratification, and I want it now!" mentality.  I want to push to make things happen right now, I don't want to wait.  I don't want things to take time.

But as I was pondering something my therapist said, it hit me that things take time to develop, and that's okay.   Now, I know the part of me that says "duh" is the part of me that usually kicks me in the nuts while I'm down, so I can ignore it for now.  That realization, the recognition that things taking time is okay, is a feeling that I haven't had in a very long time, and it's kind of nice.  I've been struggling with the idea that life has passed me by and I don't have time to wait for things to develop, but that's not really true.  I have all the time in the world, I'm still young, and even if I'm not, time is time, you can't make it go any faster or slower.  Like pushing the river, either upstream or down, all you really wind up doing is splashing about and getting yourself all wet.  Let the river flow, and float with it.  You can control how you move about in the current, from this side to that, and it takes a lot less effort and makes for a more relaxing trip.

Float on, brother!

Day Seventy Five

Wow, two whole months gone since I last wrote, that's discouraging (for the lack of consistent writing) and exciting (for the day drawing closer to my big transition.)

Speaking of transitions, this one has me both excited and nervous...  I'm confident that everything is going to be awesome and work out great, but that little voice in the background is totally freaking out at the possibility that it won't.  I realized it when everyone was pissing me off by raising doubts about my plans-  it was because the fear was telling me they might be right, and I was reacting out of emotion, and that part of me that thinks I'm not good enough, rather than that part that knows I'm more than capable.

197 days to go!

Day Seventeen

There is almost nothing worse than being given a teaser, and then having to wait for the full story.  Not like movies, that's just marketing.  When someone just gives you like 3 or 4 words about what's going on in their life, saying talk soon, and then not hearing from them for more than a week.  Grrr!

Day Fifteen

In choosing security over growth, we all outrage the soul, and the soul, outraged, manifests in symptoms - depression, anxiety disorders, envy and jealousy of others, dependencies, and many more.
~James Hollis

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Day Thirteen

Baker's Dozen.  Good, a quick post before jumping in the hot tub.  I need to soak before bed, been having a hell of a time with sleep these days.  And I don't ever remember my dreams, I have to try to remember to tell myself to remember as I'm drifting off to sleep.  Problem is, my head is already jumping from place to place and has a hard enough time just letting go of everything.  Maybe I need to turn it into a mantra.

Got a super cool t-shirt in the mail today from KP, from my hometown.  Honestly, it makes me want to get to where I'm going even sooner.  Oh well, responsible before emotional, that's one of the many things I'm working on.  Bills gotta get pee ae eye dee.

So she's back with her ex.  I have to figure out how I feel about that.  One the one hand, I'm glad because I know it can't last, and I stand a better chance competing against him, even if it's six months from now, than against someone who might be good for her.  And he's not, he's a scumbag.  On the other hand, he's a scumbag and she knows it, and she's still going back to him.  I'm afraid it's going to get her killed, and I'm also afraid that if she's making those kinds of choices, then she's choosing not to be mentally healthy.  And that's not good.  Maybe I'll learn more in the hot tub.

Day Twelve

My Live With the Thrill Kill Kult.  Great electronica, haven't listened to them in a while.  That's one of the great things about having so much music, it can go through long cycles of style.

Okay, so I've been dealing with relationships and love and intimacy and self image and chemistry.  What is chemistry?  Is it more than the phermones and enzymes and whatever the scientific crap involved is?  I don't have an answer.  Hell, I've been surviving off internet porn for so long I don't even know what is real for me anymore and what's just a product of someone or some image telling me what I should want, what sex is like.  I don't think I'm much interested in sex as much as intimacy.  Knowing myself, and showing myself, to someone with complete freedom and abandon.  But that's not what generates chemistry.  I believe it's part of it, but is it just that she was such an influence on me so early in the development of my sexual identity and now her "type" is the only thing that catches my eye and makes me want to initiate that intimacy?

Day Eleven

Have to remember to do a daily "before bed" post so I can stop missing days.

Okay, so since I've decided that anyone reading this blog is pretty unlikely, I guess it's just going to be my online diary.  And if anyone does decided to read it, well, then I guess they'll get to know the real me.

I realized yesterday while talking with KP that part of the reason I want so much for her to love me is that I think she's kind of out of my league.  Successful business woman, gorgeous, great kids, well off, that somehow if she thinks I'm worth loving, then she brings me up to her level.  But that's not really the way it works, self worth is just that; it has to come from within, from the self.  No one can do that for you.  If you give someone else that power, you by definition give them the power to take it away.  No going to do that any more, did it for far too long and it's just not worth it.  If I want to be at her level, then I have believe I can be, or that I am already.  Yeah, that sounds like a much better way to go.

Thanks for helping bring that out of me KP, you're a true friend.

Day Ten

Well, I had the best conversation, for about 3 hrs, with a very dear friend whom I haven't seen for over 6 years. Funny how time gets away from you.  So feel pretty good.

Day Nine

Them's what think they are, ain't.

Day Eight

I found a card from the Unity School of Christianity, with a snippet on it attributed to Charles Fillmore written when he was 94.  I happen to think it's awesome.

I fairly sizzle with zeal and enthusiasm as I spring forth with a mighty faith to do the things that ought to be done by me.

I hope I have that kind of gusto when I'm 94.

Day Seven

I got accepted into the Google+ testing group yesterday, and spent the afternoon playing with it and seeing what it had to offer over other social sites (yes, that really only means you, Facebook) and I have to say my impression is almost all positive.  I'll write up more later, but have to go invite all my friends...

Day Six

So I didn't post yesterday, I was feeling pretty sad and decided to take the day off.  Not like there was anyone to miss me ;)

Day Five

I know, it's only the fourth day of posts, but I took yesterday off and didn't post day four until today.

Anyway, I was reading James Hollis' book "What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life" and these parts of his take on Eros struck me as particularly relevant given my very recent history, and my attempts to overcome it.

How, when all of us have had our hearts cracked and crazed, if not broken forever, can we still steer our leaky craft through the dangerous but necessary shoals of love? How can we honestly grieve loss and disappointment and still, with due deliberation, plunge again into risk and emotional danger? How can we, in the face of shame and failure, open to life, and open repeatedly?

Who among us has not made foolish, irretrievable decisions while possessed by this god? And why would we so eagerly return to get beat up again by such a petulant god, over and over again? Eros drives us toward ends not our own at times, but in service to the fuller expression of the permutations of possibility.


I didn't write it.  Well I wrote it, but it was not my original thought.  I'm just reposting it here, since you can't @RT a book.  I love books, real actual physical page turning books.  But that's for another day.

Day Four

So yesterday was the 4th of July, just about the only holiday that means nothing to the rest of the world.  Also the only holiday where the chosen activity is to blow shit up.  So truly American.

As someone who has served in the military (Scouts Out!) I can tell you that I've thought quite a lot about what it means to be an American, and the sacrifice some are willing make for the rest of us, and I don't buy about 90% of the rhetoric.  And if you think I'm full of it, go read the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights, then consider the following questions:

What is "Freedom?"
What is "Justice?"
What is "the American Way?"

Who gets to decide what "Life" is and who picked them?
Is there a difference between "Freedom" and "Liberty" for you?
Who's happiness?  Or is it not happiness, but the pursuit?  See the difference?

Day Three

It's so easy to write on a keyboard, I find that the words flow on to the page in a stream of consciousness and before I know it I've written pages of - whatever - I happen to be writing about.  And it's so easy to go back and edit, chopping this out, adding here, moving this block of thought to be more consistent with  the flow of the previous and following blocks.  And of course, there's the ability to quickly find a replacement word, or check the spelling, or figure out what the hell that word means.  So I love composing on the keyboard.

But there's something about it that is also so cold, so impersonal.  It's so easy to just pop off a thought - 140 characters or less please - without really stopping to consider the words, consider the thought, to connect with what it is you're actually saying.  Sure, that's fine for term papers and homework, but one thing I love about writing is that when you pick up a pen and paper, you're committing a very personal act.  You're pledging your time to spend however long it takes to complete the task, and however much effort it takes to actually physically write down your thoughts and feelings.  You're demonstrating to someone that they are worth your time, effort, and attention.

Finally, a letter, a physical thing existing in the world, is something the recipient can take with them, can read at their leisure, any time and anywhere they want.  So in that way it is also a gift to them.

That's what I think.

Day Two

I truly believe you have to love someone for who they are, not for what your idea of them is, not for what you can make them become.

The only question I would ask, and it's a big one-

What do you want?

I long for, but don't really expect an answer; this is a hard question because it is asking for answers on so many levels.  I hope you will really think about it.  I know what I am looking for.  What are you looking for?

Day One

The first post.  Feels like it should be something important, momentous like a first anything should be.  A first kiss.  First beer.  First car.  First love.  But I realize that now, pushing mid 40's, most of the luster of "firsts" is off the apple, so they say.

So I think instead, I'll just let this be the first step, the start of what I hope to be a lasting habit.

So if it's not going to be something special, how about something banal.  I'm a man, early-mid 40's, employed in IT more by habit than by choice.  Trying to start my life over after having been in a relationship for 17 years that I only decided once and for all was unhealthy for me last Christmas.  Desiring a change in career and relationships to something meaningful and spiritually rewarding.  I live on the East Coast now, although I was born and raised in California.  I play some guitar, and I'm trying to learn more each week.  I'm physically active, I run and do martial arts.  I have an incredibly diverse taste in just about everything.

I have no kids, which, while I'm thankful for (given how my relationship turned out), I'm also deeply saddened to have missed out on that opportunity.  I love dogs, but don't have one now.  I plan to go back to college and learn how to teach English in High School, which is one of the reasons to start this blog, and something I hope to instill in my students, the habit of writing something every day.

That's page one, day one.  Onward! to day two...